The most painful experience of my life

Lately, I’ve been getting more cold sores on my lip. I’ve also been feeling more lethargic, tired, depressed, and so forth. I also stopped getting morning wood and I found my libido low.

So, thinking as logically as I could (despite the depressed mood), I thought maybe I should go see a doctor and perhaps do a STD screening test due to that cold sore and low libido.

This resulted in the most painful experience of my life. When we do STD screening in the United States, all we do is blood work and a urine test and those tests will test for all spectrum of possible infections. In Kiev, Ukraine, and apparently all over Europe, they do what’s called a “swab test”, where they insert a “swab” inside your pee-hole and take a swab of a mucus inside your pee-hole. And yes, it’s painful.

This is how the conversation went between me and the doctor:

Doctor: So, we’ll do three tests. We’ll do blood work, urine exam, and a swab test.

Me: What’s a swab test?

Doctor: We stick a cotton-swab up your pee hole to get a sample and we use that to test for large variety of STDs.

Me: You stick a what in my pee-hole?!?!

Doctor: It’s standard procedure, you don’t do this in the United States?

Me: No!

Doctor: Well, I don’t understand why you don’t do this in the United States, you’ll miss so many potential diseases by not doing this examination.

Me: Can I skip that swab pee hole screening thing?

Doctor: Absolutely not, because we’ll miss many things in your results, so we need to do it.

Me: Okay… does it hurt? I guess it’ll hurt, how much does it hurt?

Doctor: Well, to be honest with you, it’s not the most comfortable sensation. I did it on myself awhile ago, and it’s not the most pleasant feeling.

Me: How far do you put it in?

Doctor: You don’t want to know… Just close your eyes when I put it in.

Well, I let him put it in… and it hurt like hell. It’s probably the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I screamed as he did it, swishing that cotton swab in my pee hole collecting “samples”.

The after-effects were worse. It hurt to walk for about 30 minutes, and peeing made me clench my teeth and fist every time I went to the bathroom to urinate for the next 3 days. It actually made me think that perhaps I will not have sex ever again until it’s strictly for procreation.

And the results? I have nothing. The results were completely normal. And this is weird because I felt betrayed that nothing was wrong with me. Since the examination hurt like hell, I wanted something to be wrong with me after that excruciatingly painful experience, kind of like how when you have worked really hard for something, you want some sort of positive results.

Also, I did some research on this “pee hole swab test”, and this is an old-school way of screening for STDs. We stopped doing this in the United States and we now have the ability to simply do a screening with urine test, testing the exact same things. If I knew this, I probably would have taken a flight to some western European country or even back to the United States where they don’t do STD screening with the pee-hole-swab test.

About the Author Chris Jeon

Software developer currently focusing on Android development.